Grandparenting Class

Role of Grandparents

As a grandparent, you provide a unique role to the grandchild. Bonding should occur as early as possible to develop a special and lasting relationship.

Grandparents provide the foundation for moral and religious values and the family's cultural framework. Spend time with the child and teach them about family history and share stories about when their parents were kids. Teaching the value of homemade, sentimental things can be fun for the grandparents and grandchildren as well as a method to learn valuable lessons.

The grandparenting role includes providing love, help, attention and comfort to the grandchildren. You, as grandparents, will probably have more time and/or financial resources to provide special experiences for the child, when often the parents don't have the resources. Grandparents provide all the extras that parents may run out of time for, including extra love and attention.

Various activities can help develop your relationship with your grandchild.
• Spend time with the grandchild one-on-one with activities that are developmentally appropriate. This time is very special for the child and helps build memories. It can just be offering them companionship for activities such as reading a story or playing on the floor.
• Send special letters just to them. Everyone loves to get mail.
• Show the children that you love them no matter what and accept them for whom they are.
• Be a role model to show grandchildren that older people can be fun so they are not afraid of growing older. Try and keep up with some pleasurable activities, excitement and good humor.

When a strong relationship of trust has developed between the child and grandparent, the grandchild often turns to the grandparent. This strong connection is the basis for personal advice and the feeling that the grandparents understand when no one else does. Continue to listen to both their concerns and their joys. Listening to the child will help build their self-esteem.

To obtain more information on the development of children and age appropriate games and ideas for caregivers, please go to the National Network for Child Care at www.nncc.org

Specific Grandparenting Roles during Birth

• Photographer
Take charge of getting photographs and/or a videotape to allow the father time to spend with his wife. You also are more likely to take more appropriate "dinner-time" photos to be shared with the family. Make sure you have all equipment necessary and in working order prior to the big event.

• Babysitter
If you feel your place is outside the delivery room, take comfort in helping babysit the other children. It is a great opportunity to read a book to the child about having a baby, such as The New Baby by Fred Rogers and Jim Judkis and The Berenstein Bears' New Baby by Stan Berenstein.

• Guest Monitor
Your role would be to help monitor visitors into the delivery area and assist them to the waiting area while maintaining the mother's privacy.

• Relief Coach
You can stand in as the coach when the father or expectant father needs a break or something to eat. As a soon-to-be grandmother, you may be able to fulfill some hygienic needs or provide comfort tools that would make another woman feel better.

• Pain Management
Find out some comfort measures desired by the mother and offer touch therapy. Suggest a foot rub or back massage.

• Errands
Another significant role as a grandparent will be to become the errand-getter. This can include food, drinks, ice chips, make-up, toiletry items or making phone calls for last minute duties. Be sure not to hover or "mother" too much. The mother will ask for assistance when needed.

• Support
Your role is to support the mother and her partner in any decisions they make. It will be hard to let go of your responsibilities and realize that usually decisions are made by the new mother and father. It is also difficult to see someone in pain without the ability to relieve the pain. Remaining supportive will be comforting to the mother.

• Be Knowledgeable
Be aware of the mother's wishes and become up-to-date on procedures and protocols of childbirth and the hospital prior to the event. Take a tour of the hospital. Schedule an appointment at Mercy by calling 712-279-2116.

Whatever you do, be supportive to the star for the day and her partner. Don't be a burden to the family. Enjoy this time and do whatever you can to make the birth a wonderful experience.

Adapted from Carolynn Bauer Zorn (2000). Attending your Grandchild's Birth.

Bonding with the Newborn/Child

Spend quality time with your grandchild. Take the child on simple outings to give the family a short break when needed.

Some advice:
• Listen to your grandchildren.
• Find interest in their lives.
• Avoid complaining.
• Be prepared to talk about lively and interesting subjects.
• Avoid concentrating on the I or me and instead listen to them.
• Bring them to Kindermusik (link to Comm Ed site) as a special way to bond with them.
• Give them something you have saved from you childhood or when their parents were young.

Support to Parents
Remember that when you were a new parent, you had many uncertainties, a desire to be perfect and feelings of fatigue. Try to remember these times when relating to your own family. Work together as a team. "Mothering" the mother is a helpful guideline when assisting in the home. One of the best things you can do to help the new family is to help the mother in her "normal" routines so she can rest. This can include cleaning the house, doing laundry or bringing dinner when visiting the new family. This will allow the mother to get to know the baby and develop a routine, while the grandparents can happily accept helping with other chores.

Reinforce what the parent's request and instill non-conflicting messages, discipline and security. Let the parents make some mistakes and do not openly give advice. The differences in parenting skills that you may notice account from the blending of two separate family backgrounds and values and different methods that have developed over the years.

Long Distance Relationships
Many grandparents have the disadvantage of distance between them and their grandchild. But this distance does not have to be a barrier. Grandparents can think of creative ways to stay in touch, many of which are practically free. The traditional methods include sending letters, homemade cards, phone calls and visits. You can also send audiotapes or videotapes of you and your spouse doing something special or videotape yourself reading a story to the child. These methods will help your grandchild become familiar with your voice. Take pictures of interest in your area, cut out newspaper articles or cartoons and send them. You can also make homemade gifts, create memories or bake treats from an old family recipe and send occasionally. If you don't have access to a home computer, you can generally use the library's computer free of charge or for a nominal fee to send e-mail messages and e-mail cards. Another method is for the children to plan to spend a week over the summer with the grandparents or taking a family vacation together as an extended family. Make the most of your time together to create special memories. They will never be forgotten.

A great website to visit is http://www.dnai.com/~mags/How_to_Connect.html
This website will give you information on "How to Connect Long Distance with Grandkids: The "playful" gift connection" by Selma Wassermann. It has wonderful, inexpensive gifts to give or send to your grandchildren.

Next section: Fun with grandkids